Birthday Something or Other
by Violent-Tendencies
Summary: And as Jou leaned forward to blow out his birthday candles, I can't help but wonder what he's wishing for. Perhaps something for his sister, family, friends... me? But there's only one thing I want, and it's currently shoving his face full of cake. Yaoi.
1. The Invitation

VT: Hello everyone! In the mists of writing two other stories, I've decided to do this one... No, I still don't know what's wrong with me. Anyway, I was trying my best to sleep last night, but my mind thought that it would be better to let this idea demon plague my mind. Enjoy!

WARNING: This fic contains a bit of light yaoi between Jounouchi Katsuya and Kaiba Seto. If the idea of them being together doesn't make you want to ravish something, then I fear I must hate you.

DISCLAIMER: Takahashi-sensei and I are deliberating via e-mail. He's pretty big on the Yami/Yuugi pairing but not so much others. We're still in the discussion stage; until further notice, Yuugi-ou is not mine.

Quote of the Hour: "RYOU!! THE SKY IS SMITING ME WITH SMALL DROPLETS OF UNKNOWN MOISTURE!" -Bakura Rivalry of the Heart -x-  
  
_Birthday Something or Other _

First Person- Seto  
  
I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but somewhere amongst the insults, arguments, and one-sided duels I found that Jounouchi Katsuya wanted to be my friend. And amongst the group lunches, strangely friendly talks, and study sessions I found that Kaiba Seto wanted to be much more.  
  
Yes, that would be me: Kaiba Seto, CEO of Kaiba Corp, hopeless romantic. Don't worry; I'd laugh too. I worked hard to earn my reputation as a cold- hearted businessman; I'm not letting something as insignificant as reading Gravitation in my spare time impugn my honour. After all, who's going to cower in fear or bow at my feet if they knew my favourite movie is Steel Magnolias?  
  
Sometimes I just laugh at myself. The mask I wear is utterly ridiculous, but I still wear it for lack of any other alternative. I have a company to run; that's my excuse.  
  
So here I am, walking-- no-- striding down the halls of Domino High, glaring at anything that moves, because that is how I've been programmed. Which is rather absurd, because it's an hour before school starts and anything that moves can't see straight anyway. And no, I'm not here for tutorials, if that's what you're thinking. I have an intelligence quota of 388; most teachers here haven't even reached double digits yet. I have other reasons for coming to this hellhole early. Beautiful, loud-mouthed, blonde reasons that come in for tutoring every Thursday.  
  
"Oi Kaiba!"  
  
What the hell? Jounouchi should be inside the math classroom trying to comprehend some painfully simple algebraic equation. Okay, quick-- act disconnected and aloof; maybe he'll leave you alone.  
  
"Man, here you are Kaiba; I thought I saw you." Damn, that only helped him recognize me.  
  
"What is it, mutt?" Just because I perchance, feasibly, maybe, conceivably, possibly, could, perhaps, have a _slight _attraction to him doesn't mean I'm going to give up on my favourite past time after Duel Monsters. He twitches slightly at the nickname, which makes my day, and hands me a slip of paper. "What's this?" I find myself asking before even looking at the paper.  
  
"It's an invitation to my birthday celebration. I thought I'd give it to you before I started second-guessing myself. After all, we are friends now, right?" He smiles as I nod. I find he smiles around me now, and I find that I'm most pleased with that. Only one complication:  
  
"Pup, I don't know if your leash is on too tight or something, but your birthday is January twenty-fifth. We're in the middle of July."  
  
"Kaiba, I know when my birthday is." I try my best to look surprised; he rolls his eyes. Two points for Seto. "My dad is visiting my aunt this weekend, and I have the house to myself. So Honda, being the party animal he is, suggested celebrating my birthday now. Genius, ne?" Must... suppress... laughter... "Man, I gotta get to the math room; you coming?"  
  
"To the math room?" He chuckles lightly. I don't know whether to be angry that he's laughing at me or ecstatic I made him laugh. So, I'm trying to look slightly peeved.  
  
"Nah, to my party this weekend." Well, what have I got to lose? Ah yes, all of my dignity. I look at his hopeful honey eyes, and whatever other activities I could partake in this weekend are absolutely eradicated from my mind. I guess it couldn't be that bad.  
  
"Sure." He smiles again and waves as he heads for the math classroom, leaving me alone in the hallway. And as I stand only one thought is present in my mind: what the hell am I going to wear? -x-  
  
VT: That's it for now. I'm not entirely pleased with it. I really wanted to go in a different direction with Kaiba, make his outer and inner personalities clash completely. I mean, he has to different on the inside, right? ::Starting to sound like Barney:: Why would Gozaburou have to train him, if he was as ruthless as Noah was from the beginning? Well, that's my thought process, should I even have one. I love that Kaiba knows Jou's birthday. ::Happy Dance:: Well, I'm expecting one more chapter for this before it's completed. -.-U School is already getting in the way, and it hasn't even started yet. Anyway, please tell me what you thought!


	2. The Shopping

VT: Holy crap, people are actually reviewing this thing. ::Shocked:: I saw the reviews, and I said to myself, "Self! I have to stop talking to you in public; it's frightening my family. But more importantly, people are actually reading this crap you're writing. You must continue!" So here I am actually finished this thing I never even meant to write. Anyway, in Japan, school starts in April, or so I've been informed; I didn't mention that in the previous chapter, so I'm tellin' ya now!

WARNING: I think you remember from the first chapter, but just in case: YAOI ROCKS MY... uh, something that rhymes with "rocks". Oh, and this story has some shounen-ai in it.

DISCLAIMER: Yuugi-ou VT = More yaoi than is probably healthy. So for your safety, Yuugi-ou is not mine.

Quote of the Hour: "What kind of crack are you _on_, mutt?" -Kaiba Trip to Fall -x-  
  
_Birthday Something or Other _(Ch. 2)

First Person- Seto

What have I gotten myself into? Three hours until this celebration thing, and I'm still browsing the mall-- of all places-- for a gift that has nothing to do with maturity or the coming of age. Mokuba keeps pestering me about why I'm agreeing to leave work, why I'm going to this Godforsaken party, and what part Jounouchi has in all of this. The gerbil at the pet store has it in for me; these bags are starting to feel heavy. I ripped my favourite trench coat trying to get away from Anzu and her gift ideas. And to top all that off, no one seems to recognize me without it. I'm not sure whether to be happy I haven't been mauled by a group of asinine fangirls or disappointed no one recognizes the richest man in Domino.  
  
"So should be happy." I turn to Mokuba. "You should be happy that you haven't been mauled," he clarifies. Was I saying that out loud or am I just that predictable? "You're that predictable." Wow. "Hey look, Spencer's Gifts!" Mokuba grabs my arm and drags me into the said store.  
  
I don't know who this Spencer guy is, but the first thing I learn is that he is one hell of a perverted guy. I believe I like him. Mokuba is roaming around, and it kind of makes me nervous. I don't exactly want him seeing some of this stuff--  
  
"Seto, what's lubricant for?" ...I'm not answering that. "I mean, besides anal sex, especially the scented ones. What else can they be used for? Hey, this stuff is _flavoured _too?!" I want to die. He's staring at me now; I don't blame him. The blood drained from my face a while ago. " 'Ni-sama, are you alright?"  
  
"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY INNOCENT LITTLE BROTHER?!" That may have been too loud. Hmm, Mokuba was right: the manager is a woman; now, if she would stop staring at me... The one in the corner seems to have recognized me, and she's pretending not to point. "We're leaving _now_." I grab his hand and try to drag him out, but of course, he's got other ideas.  
  
He's still giggling after we leave, and it's beginning to grate on my nerves. "Mokuba-- what. Is it?!" If I was an anime character, I'm absolutely sure there would be a bright red, vein-like thing thumping on my forehead right now, and he's still giggling.  
  
"I can make you buy anything." I'm frowning now; I can feel it. I don't think I have control over my facial features anymore. Peachy.  
  
"That's not true. Though I do not understand the relevance of edible underwear, what could possibly be more delightful than digesting undergarments?" Sarcasm strikes again!  
  
"Are you being sarcastic?"  
  
I think I'll just evade that question. "And anyway," I pull a small furry creature out of my bag, "I find it very amusing that this mechanical hamster-object believes it is too sexy for his shirt." I tap the button on its foot proving my point. It begins to sing, dance, and kill me on the inside. Is my eye twitching?  
  
"Sure, 'Ni-sama," he says. I don't think he believes me. Well, I did just shove the object back into the bag in hopes of shutting it up. I wonder if I broke it, but then again, I don't really care. "Besides," he starts again, "there was that pool table we bought for Kaiba Land Japan." He's talking about the Billiard Master 5,000-- utterly useless piece of junk.  
  
"I didn't buy that because of your incessant begging. That pool table was a notable investment." I'm lying.  
  
"You're lying." Damn.  
  
My ingenius retort, "You can't prove that." Not without a lie detector at least. Can you buy lie detectors in the mall? Would there really be in that much of a demand? If so, I'm sure Kaiba Corporations could do a virtualized version. It could work around the design of my original duel disk operation and be used everywhere for... well... Go Fish?  
  
" 'Ni-sama, are you listening?"  
  
"Huh?" And that was my intelligent response.  
  
"I'll take that as a 'no'." I give him my rare apologetic look; he seems to have forgiven me. "Now that I think of it, there was no real reason I wanted to get that pool table." He scratches his chin, looking pensive. "It seemed like a good idea at the time. After all, in all those teen movies, everyone seems to think that a billiard table is the best place for really hot se-"  
  
"SEEMS we're done shopping!" I interrupt. That is the last thing I need to hear from my brother; he's going to be the death of me. I'm going to have to monitor his television viewing instead of going to Jounouchi's party. I wonder if Mokuba can figure out Child Safety Blocks. He looks at me with those apparently deceptive and large purple eyes. He's questioning my interruption, and I'm not planning on answering him. "Mokuba-- when did my innocent younger brother turn into the average hormonal adolescent?"  
  
"On his thirteenth birthday." He glides right by me to wait on the passenger side of our Mercedes Benz. I unlock the doors and slip into the driver's seat, cursing PG-13 movies all the way. Though, I am being a bit hypocritical. I remember my first teen movie; however, I was sixteen then. It was 10 Things I Hate about You. An overly superfluous movie with an all too sugary ending; though, there was that cute blonde. Speaking of cute blondes, I still haven't gotten anything for Jou. I can't give him the yapping and possibly broken hamster or edible underwear I bought! Damn Mokuba and his distracting lubricants...! Let's just leave it at that. Wait, I pull over and put the car in park. I glance over at a slightly confused Mokuba.  
  
"This will only take a moment." I rush inside the store and find exactly what I want. I change my mind; there is no way I'm missing this party. -x- 

VT: Cue devilish grin! Heh, I really want to apologize. I was only expecting this to be two chapters, but after speaking with Sanami-san, she suggested three: invitation, shopping, actual party. All in all, I like it that way too. So I am REALLY sorry this isn't going the way I had previously stated. But at least this is a sooner update, ne? ::Retarded smile:: I hope I did all right; this homour thing is weird to me. Hehe. Please review!


	3. The Disaster Part 1

VT: Minna-san konnichi wa! Or yoh! Man, I have been really busy; school just started, and I think I'm moving again soon. The fact I haven't abandoned this fic yet blows me away. I want to thank all my reviewers and the people who are actually reading this abomination. I'm surprised no one has flamed me for the grammatical errors Sanami-san and I don't notice until after I post. -.- But anyway, "Thanks!" It really means a lot. ::Blows kisses:: MUAH!

WARNING: The yaoi, the sheer yaoi. How I love it. Oh, and there will be a bit of everyone bashing, after all, it is Kaiba we're talking about.

DISCLAIMER: If you turn on the TV and realize, "Hey, Anzu is melting, and all the male characters are having hot gay sex with each other," then you'll know that VT owns Yuugi-ou. Until then, keep a look out.

Quote of the Hour: "Kaiba is stupid." -Bakura Raindance

* * *

_Birthday Something or Other _(Ch. 3)

First Person- Seto 

This apartment complex gives me the creeps. The stairs are crooked, the door is falling in; and I'm not sure, but I think that plant really needs to be watered... God, I really hope that's a plant. And the fact that Mokuba is still giggling from inside the limo is rather unnerving.

"Do you want me to hold your hand 'Ni-sama?" he snickers.

"What?" I snap; I didn't mean to but I did. "What are you implying?"

"Oh, nothing." Damn that sing-song voice of his. "Anyway, have a good time!" He then coughs, and it sounds suspiciously like "With Jou," but I think I'll let that slide. After all, I'm in no mood to argue with my brother, arguing with Jounouchi is just so much more amusing. I ask him again if he'd like to accompany me, and thankfully he says no with the excuse that he needs to do his chores-- which is odd since we have a maid that makes weekly visits. But I'm not about to deny myself brother-less Mutt-pestering time and question his motives.

I clutch Jou's present tighter in my hand as I head up to apartment B12 (my favourite vitamin, I might add) as was indicated in Jou's quaint invitation.

-x-

Okay, here's the apartment... right here... B12... Before my very eyes... all I have to do is knock....

I turn around and begin walking away. There are plenty of reasons The Great Kaiba Seto couldn't make it to a belated birthday celebration at a small and dilapidated apartment building. Besides, it's not like any of them are going to miss me-

"Kaiba?"

Jou? Okay, don't turn around. Strong and steady, be the river Seto; BE THE RIVER!

"Jounochi." Dammit! Don't use his name!

"Uh, you're going in the wrong direction." Ah, leave it to the Mutt to state the absolutely obvious. I turn around to be greeted by confused blonde puppy holding a small bag labeled "Marik's Pointy Thingers." I'll do him a favour and not ask.

Ignoring the bag, I catch his gaze, "Well, I was following the scent of dog hair." Ha, two points for Seto.

He places the bag on the... carpet? outside his door. "Well, you've got a bad sense of smell." HA...! Wait, what? Isn't there that whole, 'I ain't a dog' thing? That was a new one. He glances down; what is it? "Blue and silver wrapping paper?" right, the present. "How original." He smirks. When did the Pup grow a brain or the ability to smirk? He's been around me too long (if there is such a thing). Well in that case, this could get interesting.

"Amazing, and here I thought dogs were colour blind." He sneers a bit and lets me in. Yes, very interesting indeed.

-x-

Who the hell let Malik near the radio?! Interesting was an understatement; who allows an Egyptian psycho sing "Like a Virgin" thirty-two times-- I'm sorry, now thirty-three times-- in a row?! This is MALIK! I highly doubt he's a virgin in the first place. (Lucky bastard.) And what the hell is he doing here anyway? Isn't he like, the bad guy? Why invite your enemy to your party? ...Well, I suppose I qualify as a "bad guy" and "enemy" too, but I'm different. I get special privileges. Like the fact that I'm rich and in love with the good guy's best friend. Oh yes, and you thought the special treatment stopped at Kaiba Corp. Oh great, now it's a duet; I can feel myself wincing at their "harmony."

And "duet" meaning: more than one tone deaf lunatic singing at one time; isn't this illegal? See, Malik has this freaky cousin that looks very familiar. However, I think that's only because they look so alike. His name is Marik (We were formally introduced, where he slapped my ass and called me cutie. That was when I informed him, "Kaiba" was fine.), and the guy can't sing for his life. I'm going to ground Mokuba for making me leave my gun at the mansion... not that I was going to shoot anyone. No, really, I don't have time for a lawsuit. Stop giving me that look. I'm going to go look for Jou; does that make you happy? Stupid, rabid, yaoi fangirls....

Where is Jou anyway? It's rather pathetic that I lost him in a three-room apartment. There are only two possible places he could be: bathroom or the kitchen. So, to the kitchen!

Let's see, cabinets, a petite kitchen nook, and a broken spice rack, I'm assuming this is the kitchen.

Found him. He's bent over; digging through the fridge, which gives me a lovely view of-

"What are you lookin' at, Kaiba?"

-his angry face. It's a good thing that annoyed is a nice look on him, otherwise, I'd never pester him. "Just surprised you're getting a drink from the fridge instead of the toilet." And Seto is in the lead with a total of six points. I should do a victory dance or something.

"Oh, you're so funny, Kaiba. Tell another one." He rolls his eyes, clearly not amused. Like I care anyway. He returns to the refrigerator and tells me something. I'm not sure what; I wasn't listening. It's not my fault he thought it was a good idea to wear tight denim jeans. So here I am, respected duelist and owner of Kaiba Corporations, staring at the butt of an idiot who's probably already gotten his hair tangled in the back of the refrigerator. Oh how the mighty have fallen. "Are you even listening?" And back to reality, which is a shame; I was really enjoying Jou's Jean-clad Ass World.

"Not at all, but I'm sure it was something along the lines of 'I want some Kibbles 'n' Bits'."

"NO." Close but no cigar. "I... uh, I kinda got my hair tangled in the back of this thing." Wow, stupid _and _predictable, you sure know how to pick 'em Seto.

"Are you serious?" I try to sound annoyed and incredulous. You have to love these unnecessary questions. You see, I know he's caught, because he has that stupid blonde hair that is way too long and brings out his eyes and makes him look that much more like a cute little puppy. I mean, really.

"No, Seto. I _enjoy _making an ass of myself in front of you, so you can throw it in my face later. It's what I wake up in the morning for." I would tell him that it's the reason I get up in the morning too, had it not been for the obvious sarcasm dripping from his voice. "You gonna help me or what?" Of course I- wait. Heh, I think I'm smirking again. If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was MY birthday with all these presents I seem to be getting.

"Sure, I'll help you."

"I don't like how evil you're sounding there, Kaiba."

I clear my throat for no reason at all. "As I was saying, I will help you, but you have to do a little dare for me." Yes, be afraid little puppy.

"Uh..."

"It's a simple task, really. All I want you to do is bark every time I say your name." Easy enough right?

"WHAT?!" He over-exerts himself and bumps his head against the shelf closest to his head, the idiot. "Owie," he says miserably. Aw, I think he got a boo-boo; I should probably kiss it and make it all better. And rolling my eyes now; God, I love sarcasm. "Kaiba, I don't know what you're thinking, but there is no way I'm doing that!"

"Too bad. I hope it's a comfortable fifty-six degrees in there." Cue snickering.

"Nah, it's not that. It's just... there's something covered in foil back here, and I think it's starting to move." Must... resist... laughter... "Seto, I'm serious; are you there?"

"All I'm asking is for that little dare, Pup."

"I'm NOT doing it!"

"Fine. Have fun with the furry Jell-O."

"Uh, 'furry Jell-O'?" Heh, 3... 2... 1... "FINE! Fine, I'll do it. Just get me the hell out of here!" That was almost too easy. Now, to actually get him out....

Wow. Upon further inspection, he really is stuck in there. He has his hair completely tangled about the wired shelves. It's almost a requirement to ask how the hell this came about. "How on earth did you manage this?" What am I doing? I should be calling Ripley's.

"Well, it's not like I did it on purpose!" Could have fooled me. "I kept trying to reach for the Coke back here, and my hair kept rubbing up against this shelf thingy. So, I guess that's how it happened."

"Well, did you get this magical soft drink that was worth all this?"

"Um, actually, I found out it a jar of mayo." He starts laughing nervously.

"It's a freaking jar of MAYONAISSE?!" Okay, breathe. Malik and Marik have stopped "singing," so you can think now. It's not like you didn't expect this kind of idiocy, right? Okay, as long as he doesn't get any bright ideas, this will end up fine.

"Hey Kaiba! I got an brilliant idea." The word 'brilliant' is said with a flourish. We're screwed. "Just grab my ass and pull me out."

_I nod in agreement and leisurely place my hands on either side of his waist. "Mmm Seto," he practically moans. I press closer to him for better... leverage... I run my hands further down his sides, closer to his thighs. I light gasp escapes his lips. It seems he likes this. _

_I press myself further into him; I'm really enjoying those noises he's making, but something in the refrigerator catches my eye. Almonds... "Mmm, can I taste your nuts?" (couldn't help that on) Even from my current position, I can see the visible blush spreading across his cheeks...(the ones on his face!). I unscrew the lid, never moving from my location, and help myself to a few; licking at my fingers when I'm done. "Salty." His blush reddens further._

_"Don't tease Seto. Please Seto? Seto... _SETO!"

"What?!" What happened? I'm still right here, and he's still all the way over there; neither of us have moved... I should have known that wasn't really happening when I noticed it was in Italics! I hate reality.

"You there or what?" Why yes, Jou. Though I was physically present, my mind was elsewhere-- meaning in an extremely hackneyed porno involving you and myself, why?

"Yes, where else would I be?"

"I don't know. You just kind of drifted away. So, yank me out already!"

'Yank me out'? I can't do this. I allow me head to drop down as a collect a breath. I don't need to worry; none of that salty nuts crap is actually going to happen. It was just a terrible scene from a bad teen movie or something. Okay, open your eyes- oh my God. Oh how nice it is to be so happily greeted my your... shall we say 'excitement'? This is just like Yuugi's pool party last year, when Jou and I played Twister and Jou was underneath me, and "right hand red" was called, and he couldn't reach, so he fell, panting and flushed beneath me-- and this isn't helping my situation at all! I despise social events.

"That wouldn't happen to be the doorbell...?"

"We have a doorbell? Stop trying to change the subject! Get me out of here or our deal's off! Whoa, when did this yogurt expire?" Perhaps I should inform him that it would probably be more to my benefit if I just called off our deal and leave him stranded in the bottom shelf for all his little friends to see. However, for one reason or another, I just can't get myself to leave him. I sigh; sometimes I really hate myself.

"Fine, let's just do this." I just need a moment to calm down. Wait... "If I 'yank' you out, what about your hair?"

"I know." I better do this before he starts sobbing. I place my hands on his waist and pause. No moan of delight, no "Mmm Seto." I'm almost disappointed. So I'm just going to pull him out... are those footsteps? "Kaiba?"

"We're going to do this on the count of three, got it?" He tries to nod but realizes his predicament and stops. "Ready?" I don't wait for an answer. "1... 2..." And then I pull as hard as I can.

It was rather surprising how far tangled he was. It took a very severe tug from he to actually remove him. The only problem was that the force of the "tug" caused us both to fly backward and land on our asses. But, because Fate has it out for me, guess where Jounouchi landed? Yes, that's right-- sitting in my lap.

"You jerk! That wasn't 'til the count of three!" He's practically two steps away from crying at this point, rubbing the sore and now practically bald spot on his head. He turns to glare at me sideways. I'm not sure if anyone's noticed before, but Jou has amazing eyes: dark, deep, and always burning with a certain passion. Seeing those eyes alight with a flame for me only serves my only purpose for being. Those now glassy and fiery eyes of his can make or break you. And for me, they've done both.

"I suppose I lost count." His hand still hasn't budged from its dwelling atop his head. "Is it really that bad?" I removed his hand to see "ground zero", as it were, when an annoying cough interrupted me.

"I'm sorry; were you two in the middle of something?" Yami-- I even growl his name in my head. He's an arrogant, game-playing, hypocrite. He tells me that one's past makes their future and some such nonsense, when he's not even completely sure about his own. The bastard drives me crazy. Then there's everything else about him-- everything from his hair to his boots just rubs me the wrong way. "Because if you are, I'm sure we can come back later." Is my eye twitching? Wait, 'we'? I take a moment to glance around. Yes, 'we' indeed.

Everyone has the amazing timing to show up right now. And I mean _everyone. _Yuugi, the eternally naïve, and his cousin Yami, the eternally irritating, are standing (or posing perhaps) next to the prison/refrigerator; Malik and Marik have dropped their "singing" for staring and giggling to my immediate right, on the kitchen nook; Toyota is trying to fix the spice rack with a fork and is unaware of the current situation; and finally Ryou and his... brother, I suppose, are trying to assemble the drinks while the elder keeps trying to wrap his arms around him. Ryou and his brother are... close, for lack of a better word. If there is to be staring, it should be at them. Though now that I think about it, the owner of Kaiba Corporations is in the middle of a lower-class kitchen, on his ass, with a dumb mutt sitting on his lap; and not to mention, that now this CEO is also holding the said mutt's right hand within his own. ...And neither of them have made a motion to move in the past seven minutes.

No... this isn't conspicuous at all....

I clear my throat. "No," I begin, trying to give Jounouchi a clue, "you didn't interrupt anything. The puppy just got caught, and I removed him." Jou finally gets off me, and I stand up, a whole foot or so above Yami. "However, you may want to consider training him better." Even though that was a direct insult to Jou, Yami seems to have taken it worse. He glares and opens his mouth to say something, when Yuugi places his hand on his and calms him down. Yuugi smiles at me and begins to leave the kitchen.

"Come on, Jou. Where should I put your present?" he asks. Jou tries to rearrange his hair so that it looks normal once again, a "comb-over", if you will. That's rather amusing.

"Yes, _Mutt, _where do you want your presents?" I pause a moment; isn't he supposed to bark now? That was our agreement. Jou stops in his tracks and leisurely turns around.

He slowly wags his finger at me, as opposed to his tail I suppose. "Heh, sorry Seto." He smiles slyly. "'Mutt' is not my name." He turns back around and reverts his attention back to his friends.

Hmm, looks like the game is now tied at ten points each.

-x-

VT: BWAHAHAHA! Behold part 1 of the actual party thinger! I'm going to post part 2 relatively soon. ::sweatdrop:: I'm so glad people are actually enjoying this fic. I only wrote it because I was tired of "Bastard Kaiba". It's good to see others that hold this same viewpoint. Oh, and one other thing, if you are reading these little "author's notes" and you want to review, please put the words "_banana pudding_" in your review. I'm just trying to see how many people are actually reading these things. It's a bet I'm holding with Sanami-san (she's an idiot). X3 Anyway, tell me what you thought!


	4. The Disaster Part 2

-x-Kaiba's Home Office-x-  
Jou: Seto, where is the-  
Seto: Huh?  
Jou: Um... Seto, you eating a thong?  
Seto: **munching** -.- It's edible underwear, and I'm hungry  
Jou: XDDD  
Seto: Shut up; it's all we have  
Jou: **falls over laughing**  
Seto: **chocolatey undergarment still hanging out of his mouth **It's not that funny.  
Jou: Hahaha. Whew, that was hilarious.  
Seto: Hn.  
Jou: Heh… wait-- do you hear singing?  
_I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy_:  
Seto: … no.

VT: Oh man, it feels like it's been forever (it has)! In the time it took me to finish this chapter, I killed three people and stopped watching the show altogether. That's how cool I am. Well, I've been putting this off long enough; IT'S TIME TO DUEL!

WARNINGS: Seto and Katsuya finally getting together, yami/hikari action, misinterpretations of Honda's name, and a lot of random-ness would be a safe supposition. _SPOLIER ALERTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.  
_  
DISCLAIMER: Be thankful I don't own it; man, it wouldn't be on basic cable if I did.

Quote of the Hour: "I wish to make cheesecakes; it would fulfill my greatest desire that doesn't involve Jou, a whip, and a dog suit." -XxMirroredFatexX (or maybe Seto on an off day?)

Special thanks to 'Becca for such great ideas! Thanks babe! **blows kiss **

Birthday Something or Other (Ch. 4)  
-x-First Person: Seto-x-

Oh man, it feels like it's been forever! Either that or the stupid author is taking her sweet time in writing this thing. A quick glance at the clock tells me it's been… ten minutes…. Okay, well, you know, time doesn't fly when you're two steps away from mass murder and/or rape. And if not that, I'm going to die of boredom.

After the little "incident" in the kitchen, Jou and Yuugi desperately gathered everyone in the living room. "Desperately" being the operative word there, by the time they dragged eight idiots and myself over here they'd forgotten what they had planned. That is if they had even considered a plan. So it's resulted in sitting us down in a circle to, well… sit. If I had my gun, I'd probably shoot myself right now.

…Do I hear cheering?

"We could, uh, duel?" suggests Yuugi. I snort rather audibly. Does it look like I have a Duel Disk on? And despite what you may believe, there is no way I'm going up against either Yami or Yuugi. You see, after many virtual simulations and reworking projects, I found that they aren't superior duelists; their hair is just really distracting. I mean, it defies the basic laws of physics, and that alone will damage your judgment considerably. There's just no other explanation; all those duels spent subconsciously pondering if I should buy a VO5 stock. Such wasted time... So anyway, it comes down to who would be stupid enough to go up against something that short and spiky?

"I'll duel the pharaoh!" yells Bakura's nameless brother. I think I'll call him George for the duration of this fic.

"ME TOO! You'll lose Pharaoh!" shouts Marik.

Who the hell's the pharaoh? Yami stands up at this, his jacket-gone-cape billowing in the non-existent breeze. He points dramatically at the two of them, with only one finger... somehow. "IT'S TIME TO DUEL!" He then reaches into one of his many belts only to come up empty-handed. He begins to pat myself down. "Oh, um, I think I left my deck in my other leather pants." A gigantic droplet of sweat forms on the side of Yuugi's face… which is almost impressive. Does he posses only one sweat gland? I wonder if he's dehydrated now.

"We could ah. We could play Twister! I still have-"

"NO!" Eight pairs of eyes turn to stare at me. And I have absolutely nothing to say. "Erm…"

"I don't want to play either," says Malik. "What if Kaiba's trench coat comes to life and tries to kill me again?"

"It's all right Maliky-poo; that was only a dream," Mark soothes. I mean Marik; damn typos.

"But it felt so real!" he sniffles. I will not ask, I will not ask, I will not ask, I will not ask.

"That's all very well then, because you see, it's not like the pharaoh can move without chaffing." George stares directly at Yami; his eyes gleam. Creepy.

Yami jolts upright. When did he sit down? "I CAN TOO MOVE!" Is he the pharaoh? It would explain the arbitrary use of eyeliner. Maybe a Cover Girl stock...

"Actually, I think he can. Ishizu-chan said that's one of the powers of the puzzle," says Malik getting over his trench-o-phobia.

"Yessssss," George hisses, "with that kind of power, I would be unstoppable! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

…

"Bakura!" berates …Bakura. "How many times have I told you about laughing maniacally over Yami's demise?" How many Bakuras are there? Bakurae? What's the plural of Bakura?

George slouches. "Fine, I'll behave. However…" And he whispers something in his brother's ear.

"What…? What does this have to do with Biology?" His brother nudges him. "Wait… YOU PERV!" Bakura begins throwing random objects he pulled out of his purse… I mean "BAG".

"Guys come on!" Jou tries. "This is supposed to be a party- was that lip stick?"

"Chap stick!" Bakura corrects. Mitsubishi stares at him. "What? I have dry lips, and I happen to think Raspberry Surprise has a nice texture."

"Very nice texture!" It was George's turn to correct.

"BAKURA!"

"Why does he keep calling out his own name?" Everyone snickers.

Yami pats my shoulder. "If only you knew the irony in that, Kaiba." I pull away; _no one _touches the coat.

"Well, as entertaining and confusing as this scene is, shouldn't we be doing something… celebratory?" Now, just stare condescendingly… perfect.

Jou shivers slightly; I wonder if he's all right. "Yeah, so a game. Dueling and Twister are out; how about the ultimate cliché: truth or dare?" "Dare" being pronounced "DAEHR." He looks at me to see if I remember _our _little game. I think I'll just frown; he can figure out the rest.

Suddenly, Malik darts out of Marik's embrace. "Are you INSANE!" Now that's irony. "There are absolutely no females here, with the exception of Ryou, and if I know my fanfiction, this will all end up in some homo-erotic mass orgy because our psychotic authoress consumed more pixie sticks than should be legal in this or any other country!" Malik pauses; I believe he's attempting to think. "You know what…? Yeah, let's play truth or dare." He smiles. If I were anyone else, I would have shit my pants.

"Uh… okay. Then I'll start," says Yuugi. "Jou-kun, truth or dare?"

"Pfft, I'm a man. DARE!"

"Okay, I dare you to…" He glances at me; that can't be good. "I dare you to make Kaiba laugh."

Silence.

"Yeah, and end world hunger while you're at it," Yami adds. I'm going to kill him in his sleep…. No, I wouldn't do that. I'm going to kill him while he's awake so it'll hurt more.

"Uh, okay. Kaiba. Erm… two guys walk into a bar-"

"Oh come on Jounouchi; you can do better than that."

"What the hell do you know Marik?"

"I know a few things…" He glances at me; I really don't like this.

"Fine, what do you suggest I do?"

"I'm _so _glad you asked!" Malik jumps at this too. I really, _really _don't like this. Each of them takes a hand and leads him into the bathroom. "We'll be back; continue without us." They shut the door, and the last thing we hear is light giggling follow by a very distressed

"You've got to be kidding me!" from an easily swayed mutt.  
-x-

It's been a rather uneventful game. Pontiac popped a balloon with his hair, Bakura's gender was deciphered, and Yuugi did the Hokey Pokey. Other than that, I learned some disturbing things about Jou's entourage that I really could have gone on without knowing; was the thing about Yuugi and his leather obsession all that necessary? It's rather obvious.

"…but buckles are the best. Anyway, Ryou-kun: truth or dare?"

"Truth. I don't want an impossible dare that forces me to disappear into a bathroom with Malik and Marik for who knows how long." He's right; what the hell are they doing?

"Well, we Egyptians are known for our stamina," George says as he nudges his brother. That didn't assuage my fears.

"Yeah, sure, if you say so."

"What? Are you trying to say something, Ryou? Because if you are, I suggest you say it!"

"Hmm, nothing. What was the question, Yuugi-kun?"

"Um… I didn't-" Yami whispers something to him. "Hahaha! Yami, isn't that a little personal?" His eyes glaze other. Hey, maybe he died! "Well, all right." Damn. "Ryou-kun, what's your favorite position?"

"Position? As in… oh my." As in sports? Yeah... that's it: sports. SAY THIRD BASEMAN YOU NINNY! Wow, there's _no _innuendo there. "Erm…" he looks over at George and blushes. "I guess I would have to say-" And by some spectacularly timed entrance formed by the author so as not to hear Bakura's answer, Jou pops out of the bathroom.

He wobbles slightly before gaining his balance. "Doggie Style!" yells an overly zealous Marik. Everyone is caught in bouts of laughter. Well, save Jou and myself. No, really SAVE US.

You see, there before me stands a tall blonde in a (conveniently placed in the bathroom of his apartment) maid's outfit with an also disturbingly convenient pair of dog ears. Light but large ruffles adorn his neck, slightly parted to reveal a tenuous red ribbon carrying a bell. Upon his head the psychotic duo have decided to comb and part his hair to have said brown puppy ears-- they... they bring out his eyes in an exceptionally intriguing way. We make the most ridiculously awkward eye contact ever conceived as a darker blush takes its place upon already warm cheeks. He begins wobbling again as he fidgets with his fishnet clad legs and- why the hell is he so smooth?

My apparent scrutiny seems to have made him nervous and flustered... good job Seto! That's worth a friggin' gold star right there.

He turns away, trying his best to keep the overly layered black skirt of hell from "poofing" (you like that? It's my word) up because he doesn't seem to want anyone seeing his Hello Kitty panties that are officially in public view… and that's a phrase never I thought I would say.

"They had it planned," he mumbles, sulking delicately. "Ya bastards!" Shaking his fist, Jou chases them for a moment, his black heels clicking on the linoleum.

"Aww, that's too bad," Malik smirks. "It was supposed to make Kaiba laugh." That's right! Laugh not... damn these pants; they're TOO TIGHT. Stupid saleswoman said they were a perfect fit.

"Well, he's sort of got a kinda lop-sided, half-there smile. That's as close as we're going to get with Kaiba-kun," says Yuugi. Strange, that was somewhat helpful _and _insulting.

"No, no," says Malik, "Jou is just going to have to keep wearing the outfit until Kaiba laughs."

Jounouchi and I groan but for completely different reasons.

"Fine, whatever." Jou pouts and sits where he was previously standing-- next to me.

This is suicide! God, Ra, Allah, or anyone up there listening: I really don't want to die with Trouser Snake Seto as a nickname-- all I'm asking.

As I attempt to find a sitting position that won't... give me away, Jou removes the bell and something else. Curiosity pushes me to find out what, but I've just barely "calmed down" and don't want to go through _that _hell again. You know what? You're fine Seto; just remain calm; don't look over. NO GAZE AVERTING! Just-just stare straight ahead. Dammit! Who am I kidding? I can't even think _straight_.

"All right, well, it's my turn," Bakura speaks up.

"Actually guys, I'm a little tired of truth or dare." Everyone snickers. "Can we please play something else?" Jounouchi Katsuya, a victim of truth or dare. The tragic story tonight at eleven.

"I know!" shouts Malik. "Strip poker!" Jou stands abruptly mentioning something about getting drinks.

"Some one's been reading too many fanfics," Marik says playfully snuggling his psuedo-twin.

"Come on guys, strip poker?" Bakura asks incredulously. They nod. "THEY" including Bakura's brother as well this time. He sighs. "Isn't there some one here that's not flamboyantly gay?"

Pfft. Bakura's one to talk. I like me an uke, but that's just pushing it. Come on! He's two steps away from being a girl himself. I mean, flowing hair, long eyelashes, and a manicure? And just look at his name. It ends with an A.

...Well, Kaiba is a manly name; it cancels out the vowel at the end… yeah… cough.

"Kaiba-kun?" Bakura? What? Did I say that out loud? "Did you… hear what I said?" Did you hear what _I _said? Yuugi clears his throat. Is he talking about the gay comment? Yeah, I heard him… he's waiting for some sort of response…. Wait, do they think I'm straight? I'm wearing a purple trench coat and leather buckles; what DIDN'T give it away!

Well, if they can't figure it out, I'm not telling them. Idiots-- and they say I'm oblivious. "Kaiba-kun are you… not that it matters, but…?"

"HELP!" We all turn in the direction from where we heard the cry. It sounded like Jou, and it was coming from the kitchen. I swear, if he's stuck in the refrigerator again, I'm not doing anything.…

Really quickly: he's still wearing that skirt, right? So..."Out of my way!"  
-x-

It turns out the fridge wasn't the culprit; it was the pantry this time. Somehow Jou managed to lock himself inside, which is quite a feat mind you, since pantries DON'T HAVE LOCKS.

"Mutt, only you could manage to get stuck in a storage area that doesn't even close properly."

"Shut up! I wasn't stuck; something grabbed my leg." His eyes start darting around.

"Jou, if you can't say anything smart, don't say anything at all." Ah, Subaru's most appreciated advice.

"Well then, we shouldn't be hearing from the pup for a while," I mumble to myself. Why has everyone stopped in their tracks?

"Did… whoa, Kaiba has a sense of humor."

"I know," retorts Jou. "Creepy, huh?" Idiots. We begin heading back to the living room. We all settle down again but with various drinks this time, and by that I mean a lot of Coke. COCA-COLA! "We can play another game if you guys want."

"Spin the bottle!"

"Shut up Malik!" everyone yells in unison. Why did the crazy homo have to sit next to me? ...'Cause, you know, there are _so many _heterosexual AND sane people at this party. Looking around, we have one of the worst seating arrangements in the history of seating arrangements (which I happen to be very well-versed in): Malik and Marik on my right, circling around to Jou and Chevy in front, then to Bakura, his brother, a midget, and an asshole on my left. Life doesn't get any better.

"All right," begins Jou taking a swig of his drink, "we're gonna have to section off for this game." What the hell are we playing? "So, from Kaiba to me is team one, and from Honda to Yuugi is team two. Got it?" I'm nodding; why?

"You shall know fear Marik! It's payback for that shadow realm stunt in Battle City!" I prefer not to remember that… or Duelist Kingdom… or anything in between. "And YOU Pharaoh, I will… how do you say… POP a cap IN your ASS!" Hey look, it's that sweatdrop thing again.

"Bakura, are you completely retarded? We're on the same team." George stares at Darkness or Yami or Pharaoh or Yuugi-ou or ass-licker or whatever the hell he's calling himself now.

"So?"

"Dammit, we're in the same boat here!" The hell is he talking about? No says a word.

"W… what the hell Pharaoh! Get out of my boat!"

"What…? MAKE ME!"

"It's my Ra damned boat!"

"I had it first!"

So this is what insanity looks like… it's not very pretty. Hey look: Jou. "Uh, guys, I think we should skip the game."

"Get your own boat cock-sucker!"

"You'd only steal it ass-fucker!"

"Ooooh, they're getting personal," Malik coos. I-I think I just threw up a little.

"Yoh! Guys! Let's just uh…"

"Open presents!" Yuugi chimes in.

"Yeah, let's do that!" Jou agrees. He escapes before George attempts to rip Yami's throat out.

"I have five dollars on Bakura!"

"Are you kidding Ryou? Yami's going to end this in a second," Yuugi states 'matter-of-factly.'

"I highly doubt that. My Baku was a tomb-robber. Pharaoh has nothing on that kind of stealth."

"What do you mean 'stealth'? The people he was robbing were already dead! Yami was pharaoh; 'that takes immeasurable strength and wisdom'." Yuugi nods proudly at his monotonous voice of astuteness.

Bakura darts up. "I think you're wrong Yuugi."

Yuugi stands as well. "Is that so? I think _you're _wrong Ryou." The glaring contest commences. How peculiar, I've never seen Yuugi act like this, and hell, I've never even seen Bakura.

"Psst, Pharaoh," George whispers, "our hikaris are fighting." Their lights... okay, I totally follow.

"Yeah…"

"Do you think they're going to do anything?" What?

Yami reddens a bit. "Hm. If so, who the hell would be on top?" On top of what…?

"Hey guys!" Jou yells from the other room, "I need some help with these presents!"

"Shhh!" Malik interrupts. "Two ukes are going at it!"

"What!"

I stand; I can't take much more of this. "I'm going to… screw it; no one's listening to me." I walk into the room over before hearing what sounding suspiciously like Malik saying "screw what?"

Let's see what's behind door number two. Glancing around, I see a dresser with t-shirts falling out of it, magazines and games messily left on the floor-- is that a porno?--, and an unmade bed. I'm assuming this is Jou's room. "Pup? You in here?"

"Over here." I follow the voice to the closet. Opening the door slightly, a disheveled Jou tumbles out with gifts and various articles of clothing. "Hey." He raises a hand. Only Jounouchi Katsuya could topple out of a closet in a miniskirt and be that utterly nonchalant.

"Hm, to make a 'coming out of the closet' joke or not?"

He sneers a bit. "Don't get too excited about that new sense of humor you got there Kaiba."

Ignoring his _immaculate _wit, I offer a hand. "Why were you in there?" My puppy has a horrible habit of getting trapped in things. He gathers himself and pulls down his skirt. He wiggles his toes in an absurd manner to somehow divert my attention. Sad part is-- it worked; I really liked those shoes.

"Ask Yuugi why he had to put my presents in the closet, of all places…" He glances around, embarrassed by the mess. "So, you gonna help me or what?" I give a curt nod. There are only a total of eight presents, meaning each of us has to carry four; thank God for third grade algebraic skills.

We begin gathering them. I can actually guess the patron of most of the presents by the way they're wrapped. The cross dresser's is the pink one with the yellow flowers; Ford's is the one in the paper bag; Yami and/or Yuugi's is the one covered with the Black Magician; Malik's is the flamboyant, glitter-encrusted, purple one with the distractingly golden bow. There are a few others I'm not sure about, and then there's mine: stark silver wrapping with an elegant navy blue ribbon delicately tied around it. It took me forever to get it just right; I didn't want some lazy idiot from a department store screwing it up…. When did everything about Jounouchi become so important…?

I must look absurd sitting here and sighing. I allow my hand to reach for the gift, but it seems another has beaten me to it.

My palm rests upon Jounouchi's fingers, and I stupidly look up to confirm this fact as though it could be someone else's hand. "Oh, uh… sorry." He lingers an unsure moment before making any real attempt to remove himself. But by then, I do the most moronic thing I can: as he begins to pull away, I grip his hand tighter, pulling him forward with the horribly efficient motion. Jou looks up again, and I meet his gaze. "Seto?" He's so close, if I just lean in I could…

"BAKURA! That was my SHIRT!" Jou jumps away.

"The hell?" He picks up the gifts he dropped in his surprise and my gift as well. Eyes never leaving the silver wrapping, he says, "We better go see what's going on." With that, a lightly flustered puppy leaves a frustrated CEO all alone in this disaster of a room.

I cast a final glance at the small cat on his bright pink butt as it bounces back and forth with the swaying of his hips. I wait until he leaves and fall unto my back, never allowing the gifts to fall out of my lap. A sigh makes its way from my lips. "Dammit."  
-x-

After cursing various gods and making sure to return to Jerk Mode, I walk out of Jou's room only to be greeted with the strangest sight ever to be presented to me.

"WAI! BAKU!"

"You know I love it when you protect my honor Hikari." George proceeds to lick Ryou's face in the presence of everyone he has ever come in contact with. This may be the most disgusting thing I have ever encountered, and I have seen some scary-ass shit, in fact, just yesterday I found out what tradeshipping is. Oh God, why?

"Yuuuuuuuugi, why don't you ever do that?" whines Yami. That is the sorriest attempt at puppy eyes I have seen in a while.

"Because I have my dignity." That right there, that's a load of crap. Yami then proceeds to poke Yuugi-- this is pathetic.

"Baku…" Bakura pants, "please stop…." He's turning bright red, and we're all just circled around them like some bad 80s fight scene. Why doesn't anyone do something? HE'S GETTING RAPED BY HIS BROTHER!

"It's not rape if it's consensual, just… surprise sex." Did I say that out loud? Malik smirks and wags the giant sexual innuendo known as the Millennium Rod at me. What? We all know it. "Reading minds, you know how that goes." He winks and wraps an arm around Marik. If he did that now, then, what stopped him from doing it before? So, does he know? Could he know? Does he know that I know that he could know? Does he know that I know that he knows that there's a possibility he knows? Does-

I have a headache.

I'm sorry Mokuba, what? _Why _do I despise social events? Hmm… let me think…. "I believe that's quite enough."

"Oh God, it's Kaiba!" Bakura squeaks. What do you mean 'it's Kaiba'?

"So?" George doesn't move.

"Well! He thinks we're brothers or something; he doesn't know," Bakura whispers the final part, but I still hear him.

"What do I not know?"

"How to win a duel obviously," Bakura's brother mutters. If he has a death wish, I'll be happy to assist his suicide.

Malik leans closer to Marik. "Kaiba just got Anime Served!"

"What? No he didn't!" Bakura sputters, removing himself from his brother. "And there is nothing going on here! You know, j-just a game us relatives play! Haha!" Flushed and stuttering, he crouches by Yuugi, attempting to re-clothe himself.

"Rather incestuous game," I say not giving away how entirely freaked out I am. Come on, it sounds like I'm totally in control for a guy that's this close to vomiting. THIS CLOSE.

"Well, uh…."

"What a cool lookin' present! I wonder who could have ever gotten this for me!" Jou plasters a fake smile on his face.

"Oh! That one's from Yami and me!" pipes Yuugi. It really couldn't have been more obvious. Not even if they, I don't know, wrapped it in leather or something.

Jou tears apart the paper, literally shredding it. "Whoa! YUG! How'd you get this back?" It appears to be a video tape with a picture of a blonde beating the living shit out of a pink-haired boy on the cover. What's so great about it?

"Well, I had to dig it up, took FOREVER! Stacked up under... all the other... tapes." Yami, Yuugi, and Jounouchi blush. Okay, there's a story behind this, but I don't want to know.

Jou quickly tosses the gift behind him. "Ah, thanks Yuugi! I'll be... _using _it later." He throws an overly-exaggerated wink at Yuugi before attacking the next present.

"That one's from us!" exclaims Malik.

"Yeah... I could tell. Got glitter all over my hands..." Jou wipes his palms on his velvet skirt, making it twinkle. So I swear that's the only reason I'm staring at his crotch- er- the dress... yeah. "Wow guys... thanks." Malik beams. "But ah, my ears aren't pierced," Jou states, revealing a pair of unbelievably gaudy earrings. Ow, my eyes.

"Don't worry Jou-jou; I can fix that." Before I can begin bitching about the nickname, Malik unsheathes the dagger portion from his Millennium Rod.

"MALIK! STOP!" yells Yami.

Malik raspberries, "You're not the boss of me! Besides, I just wanna pierce his ears."

"With a gold dagger?" I retort. Marik melts at the sigh of Malik's puppy eyes; I, on the other hand, feel like puking.

Jou hasn't moved. Either he has a death wish, or he's too shocked to get the hell out of here... or perhaps he's just distracted by how shiny it is, whatever; he's not hauling ass. Porcupine head over there seems to notice this too.

"NO! I see now that destiny brought us here today to stop Malik from taking over the world! ...er, Piercing Jou's ears! Fate has intervened because I have faith!"

"In what?" Malik mumbles as he sits down. But regardless, that's my cue.

"Fate my left testicle! There's no such thing as fate _or _destiny!" Okay, just between you, me and everyone else reading this shit for fanfiction, I totally believe in fate; I mean, I completely buy into it. You have to admit though, after all the crazy stuff that's happened, destiny isn't that abstract a concept; fortune cookies hold the secrets of life; did you know that? I bet you didn't. Just yesterday I got one that said, "You will have a good day", and I was going to watch Pokémon (shut up, it's a great show) and I turned on the TV and behold, it's Jou in a dog suit against some flamboyant dice asshole. The cookie of fortunes was correct! I don't think I've ever jerked off so much in my life... I mean, what?

But anyway, my comment(s): I only discredit worldly powers to annoy Yami. You see, I play three games: Piss Off Yami, Make Jou's Eyes Flare, and Duel Monsters, and I play these games as often as possible.

So I guess it boils down to this: when I say stuff like that, I'm just talking out of my ass. "You'd have to be a moron to even entertain such ridiculous ideas... moron!" See? Just talking out of my ass.

"Kaiba! When will you accept your destiny and believe in the heart of the cards?"

"When you stop the mass slaughter of cows to produce your clothing line!" Ladies and gentlemen, Yami just got SERVED.

"Uh, actually, those are _my _clothes," Yuugi mumbles.

"Hey, check out that ugly present," Malik says brusquely. "No glitter or anything." Jounouchi picks up a bleached white present that's shaped remarkably like a book.

"I wonder what this could be." ...He... he's not kidding. He slowly unravels it. "Oh wow. It's a book." Mutt, can you even read?

Little hearts appear in Ryou's eyes. "It's a historical fiction based on the life of the beautiful slave Amunet caught up in the hectic world of slave trading and forbidden love circling Ancient Egypt!" Jou flips through it, lines of neon yellow catching his eye. Ryou sulks. "And Bakura did the honor of highlighting all the curse words for you."

"There're seventy-two of them!" George quips.

"Bakura can read?"

"No, but I can recognize 'fuck' when I see it." He nudges his brother: yet another inside joke I _really_ don't want to know about.

Yami takes the book and flips it about. "Seventy-two swears? There are only four chapters."

"Yes, well, Bakura felt the need to leave some of his own commentary."

George's head bobs up and down. "F-U-C-K-A-S-S." He beams.

"You must be very proud," I sneer. Jou ignores the growing "conversation" as best he can, picking up another gift. It's folded in a paper bag, but his fingers delicately trace over them a moment before running his hand inside it. Languidly pulling out the gift, I feel the urge to-

"Hey! All the voices in my head have every right to be there!"

-be interrupted by Malik.

"In fact, I'm dating one of them. Marik-baby, be a dear and get me another drink."

"Yes, I shall raise from my current sitting position and gather more liquid refreshments for my significant other and the remainder of his entourage. Toodles!" This party just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

"Cat ears. Honda got me CAT EARS!" And weirder. "What the hell are these for!"

"They were actually Otogi's idea," Chevrolet speaks up, "but I guess the Ishtars beat us to it." Us?

"Yeah, and the whole kitty thing seems to be more up Kaiba's alley. HAHA! You get it?" Yami laughs at his own lack of intelligence.

"Excuse me?" I manage, making it sound more like a threat than a request.

"It's a very simple pun actually-"

"You're right!" Jou perks up and tries placing the ears atop my head.

"Do not. Touch me." But being the utter moron he is, he does just that; the mutt adjusts the fabric so that the appendages appear real. Or at least appear real in the microwave's reflection. Cute bastard. "Is there a point to this?"

"Meow for us Kaiba-kuuuun!" Did I mention that I hate Malik? "You're going to get laid now for sure!" Hate him a lot? "Which reminds me-- are you still a virgin?" So much hate. Wait.

"WHAT?"

"Not counting that stick up your ass of course," he laughs, then looks serious. "Hmm, _do _you count that? Hey Maaarik!"

"Still getting drinks, Love! Jouno! Where do you keep the ketchup?"

"Ketchup?"

"If someone has a stick up their ass." Where is that natural disaster going with this? "Are they technically having sex with it?"

"I don't know! You talking about Kaiba or Yami?"

"Hey..."

"Kaiba! Who else?"

"Hmm, that's a tough one." Marik reappears and begins passing refreshments around. "I guess, Kaiba's hot and all, but he's just... so... anal!"

"HA HA! That's so true..." Forty-four millimeter automatic, just-- POW! Right in the- not... not that I've thought about it or anything.

"Anyway," Marik continues, "I got drinks but I couldn't find any mustard; that's Jouno's fault. You can't find a damn thing in there." He sighs exaggeratedly. "I mean, what about countertop sex? None of that!"

"And that's the best kind of counter sex!"

"Well, not really, Love."

"Oh, you mean like that one time, in the Kaiba Land pool?" Oh sweet Jesus. " 'Cause that was great."

"Children go in that pool, you sick freaks! MOKUBA WENT IN THAT POOL!"

"I've never seen a Kaiba hyperventilate."

"Cherish these moments, Malik. Cherish them."

"Er, Kaiba? They're just kidding with you."

"Don't try to make me feel any less sickened Mutt! When I get home I have to scrape off Mokuba's epidermis and dermis and who knows from there!-- fatty layer, everything's gotta go."

"That sounds kinky."

"Nah, really Kaiba. They've never been to a Kaiba Land; 'Too many kids' apparently." He glares at them lightly. "So stop fucking with him, all right?"

"Okay... becausethat'smoreyourjob..."

"What didja say!"

"I _said_ open the flowery present Jou-jou." Jounouchi huffs. This is stupid. And what's with that name? I called Jounouchi nicknames way before it was cool.

He reaches for the overly floral gift. Could it be any pinker? Is pinker a word? He slowly slides the paper off the corner of the small gift, and he is the only human being I have ever encountered that can open presents erotically.

"Awesome! A friendship bracelet! Thanks... hey, where's Anzu?"

"Ha! How'd you know that was from Anzu?"

Jou snorts. "How could I not?" Their whole little group shares a laugh. Malik's laughing too, and I _know _he doesn't get it.

"Anyway," Yuugi pipes up after his fit of giggles, "she couldn't make it; something about melting..."

"Okay... that's not weird."

"Is 'Anzu' not a girl name?" I have to practice more restraint.

"Yeah."

"Isn't that a least bit strange?"

"Not really, what with Anzu being a girl... Why do you look so shocked?" If I weren't gay before, I am now.

"Oh, silly Kaiba, you didn't think she was a _cross dresser _or something?"

"Dammit Malik, just because I half-believe in your magical mombo-jombo now doesn't mean you can invade my mind!"

"Wow, you seriously thought that? See? I wasn't the only one Marik!" He slaps the other lightly.

"I thought the boobs were a dead give-away," Yami chips in.

"You guys, who the hell is VT?"

"Oh, she's the chick writing this. You know, the fanfic; I guess this is kind of... SELF INSERTION! HAHAHAHA! Oh, that was great." Malik wipes some sweat from his brow. "Ha, I crack me up."

"Oh, that's nice of her," says Bakura or Ryou or whatever.

"Yup, I just hope she doesn't get me a thong... like last year."

"I do."

...YOU SKANK! I can't believe you got him a thong! Did he wear it?

'That's none of your business, you Whore!' retorted the author.

'Slut!'

'Bitch hole!'

'Ass!'

'Corn muffin!'

'W...what?'

'You heard me!'

'Listen, we can't say those things anymore; look at the rating.'

'I don't know what that means!' yelled the frustrated (sexually and otherwise) author. 'FFN changed all the rating thingers!'

'That's how long you've put this off!'

Just then, VT remembered that arguing with Kaiba was useless unless she wanted to get him in the sack. "HEY!" And beside that, he looked ridiculous yelling at the door knob. "What?"

"Um," Jou attempts to bring things back to the present, "is everything between you and the door over?"

"Yes, of course." I'm going to ignore that sudden bout of third person, past tense; you hear me!

And just then, Kaiba realized how much power an Author had.

"I am Kaiba, and I just realized how much power an Author has."

"Okay..."

I hate you so much.

And just then, Kaiba realized that the Author could have _totally _written a Pegasus x Kaiba rape fic.

"So, what exactly did you receive, Pup?" I manage.

"I haven't- there we go." He gets the black ribbon off after a bit of a struggle. It's a _beautiful _ribbon by the way, accents the crimson wrapping paper gloriously.

And this appeased the Author greatly.

"It's a- Oh my God." He tosses the present behind him. "Okay, next one!"

"What was it?" Bakura-- well, the little albino not the big one-- inquires.

"IT WAS NOTHING ALRIGHT GET OFF MY BACK."

"Jou-kun? I think your present's vibrating," says Yuugi.

"No it's not."

"But I think..."

"My present's not phallic, OKAY!" He kicks it away. What the hell'd you get him? "I'm opening another one; no use dwelling on the past! Keh heh." Seriously, what'd you get him?

"Is that one from Kaiba?" I ever tell you Jeep's a mastermind?

Jou stares a bit and smirks. "What was the first clue?" He continues opening my present. I love rhetorical questions.

"Uh, the tickets to Kaiba Land?" _Especially _when they're answered; moron.

"What! You cheapo!" I stare at him. "You have billions of dollars, and for my one and only birthday this year, you got me tickets to Kaiba Land? Ya might as well have gotten me socks!" He laughs letting me know it's some weird joke. "But jeez Kaiba, you coulda at least gotten me a yacht or something."

"A yacht? To what? Steer in the community pool?"

"Well, yeah." He gives me a lop-sided smile as he shoves the tickets into his jeans. Maybe I... should have gotten him a yacht.

"You'll be lucky if you get a rowboat from Kaiba!" I'm not sure if I should glare at Malik or validate his comment. "But then again, kitties don't really like water." ...You know what I just realized? I'm still wearing CAT EARS. I practically rip them off my head. "Aw, don't be sore Kaiba. HA! Get it? Whoa, is Kaiba seme?"

"I don't know; I read a Pegasus x Kaiba rape fic a week ago..."

"I don't know why the hell you're here," I end up intoning.

"Hey, I'm a primary villain for like, three arcs and then I randomly disappear. I'm going to enjoy my fanfic time while I can before everyone jumps on the Naruto bandwagon.

"But why are _you _here, Mr. Kaiba?"

"Hey, there's something else in here." Jou looks down, genuinely distracted. He's found the rest of my present. "What the hell?" He removes the false bottom to wrap his hands around- "Oh, real mature there, Kaiba." - the dog collar I bought at the pet shop mysteriously and conveniently located near the mall. "You're never going to give up the whole dog thing are you?"

"You're the one that looks like a French animorph."

Bakura's brother snorts. "Don't think yourself all that high and mighty, _Kaiba. _I believe it was you wearing cat ears not a moment ago."

"And you said it was a good look for him! And you were in earnest! Don't lie, Bakura!"

He glances away, "Well it was."

A light jingle brings my attention back to Jounouchi-- eyes closed, lips parted, and neck adorned in my present. He smiles. "What do ya think?" Pulling at the buckle one last time, he makes sure the leather is perfectly in place: a few centimeters from his collarbone and a few more from his jaw line. If Jou were to pick up Yami/Yuugi's leather fetish, I don't think anyone would have a problem with it. Pfft, and I was worried, actually worried that the metallic finish would be too much if he even looked at it, but the delicate caresses it gives his neck, it... it looks unbelievably...

perfect.

"Soooo, what do ya think?" he asks impatiently.

"I think the tag's a bit much... with Kaiba's address on it and everything..."

"OH! Don't listen to Honda; he doesn't know! It looks _ravishing _on you Jounouchi," swoons Bakura. "I never knew your neck was so long."

"You don't think it's copying Yami and Yuugi's style though?" He looks to them. "Guys?"

"Yami, stop staring at him!"

"...What?"

"I saw you _looking _at him!"

"I was not."

"Don't lie to me; your delayed reaction says it all. He's our friend, Yami! OUR _FRIEND_!"

"Why would I stare at him now! He's wearing a DRESS!"

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!"

"Are you PMSin-!"

"Seto?" He looks to me. "It doesn't look too bad, hm?"

"I..." Why is he even wearing it? He's supposed to get angry and start yelling about his anti-canine ancestry and get in my face and glare. He was supposed to throw it across the room in a fit of pointless anger not model it. He's never... done this before-- it's completely new.

I wasn't expecting... this.

"Doorbell's gonna ring," says Malik suddenly, diverting all attention to himself. "What? Don't stop because of me; this is delicious."

"Better than 'Guiding Light'," Marik agrees.

"Oooh! Remember when Reeva had to fight her evil, basement-inhabiting, life-stealing clone to regain her place in the family?"

"How could I forget?"

"I saw it too!" chirps Bakura.

"Me three!"

"Wait, wait. Malik-- how'd you know the-" The doorbell interrupts him. "-that was going to happen?"

Malik slips his hand into his pants-

"Quick! Someone make a rod joke!"

-and reveals the Millennium Necklace, Tauk thing. "Hey!" Yami yells indignantly, "That's supposed to be ours or mine or something!" He makes a terrible lunge for it.

"Yami! That's been in his pants!" yells a frantic Yuugi.

"Oh don't get your panties in a bunch," says Malik shoving him back with one hand. "You'll get it at the end of the Battle City." He pulls away and... puts it back.

"Uh," Jou just stands there. "I guess I'll get the door." He walks away from the impending but entertaining disaster.

"I bet he goes commando." Everyone stares at Chrysler. "Oh come on, you can see his pants too. Like boxers are going to fit under those."

"...Are you talking about Yami and the panties comment?"

"Duhr."

Yami stands up with what looks like a pelvic dislocation. "Whether his balls chaff or not is the pharaoh's business and his alone!"

"Bakura!" However, it's the tall albino that gets his word in first. "I thought you said it was 'HIS business'!"

"Yeah, it's one of the powers of the Millenni-... whoa, I just had Déjá Vú," wide-eyed Malik presses a hand to his head.

"I wear boxer-briefs, OKAY!" Yuugi eyes him. "And... athongonTuesdays." I can't even begin to describe the justifying laughter that literally explodes there. Just, endorphins... everywhere.

"That reminds me," quips Yuugi; God knows how, "Jou didn't open Otogi's present."

"I do wonder what it is."

"Oh, it's that that dog suit Otogi made him wear; 'It was time Jounouchi got what made the magic' according to him," Honda says nonchalantly, never failing to use far too many air quotes.

"Perhaps Jounouchi-kun shouldn't open that one."

"What's with everyone's pet fetishes?" Malik bursts. "Why can't anyone have a normal bondage and anal sex kink like the rest of us? Jeez!"

"Shhh. It's okay Malik; some people are just freaks-- we just have to learn to go along sometimes until they learn better, all right?"

"Okay, I guess."

"That's my Maliky-poo." Marik playfully taps the tip of Malik's nose with his finger, "You should get a reward when we get back." They giggle, devoid of any relative sanity.

It's really times like these that I wish there were a better way to describe sheer horror.

"Hey guys! Guess who's- what's with your faces? You guys okay?"

"I figured you'd all have Jou in a dress at one point or another but- what the hell happened here?"

"Is everyone okay, big brother?" If only they knew.

"Uh..." Hey, flabbergasted is a fun word.

"We're fine Jounouchi," replies Yami finally. "I just... can't get this look off my face." For once, I can't blame him.

"Yeah, well, Mai's here you guys." A small girl tugs at Jou's shirt; I believe it's his sister, Penelope or something. "Oh, and you all know my sister Shizuka."

...I was close.

Oh come on, it's not like we've ever even made eye contact or anything. Thank God nobody thinks to couple us up like some actual pairing, completely ignoring the fact that I could care less about her and that I'm pretty freaking gay.

The author cleared her throat.

What?

"So what are you guys doing here?" asks Yuugi in that forever-cheerful manner of his. "I thought you guys were traveling together."

"We are," answers My.

Sorry, _Mai. _Damn the creators of spellcheck.

"In fact," she continues, "we're planning on seeing the White House by tonight."

"Tonight!11?1" shrieks Jounouchi overly dramatically, and yes, with all those ones.

"What's wrong with that idea Big Brother?" asks Shiatsu or whatever.

"Shizuka, the White House is in _America._" Captain Obvious doesn't seem to faze her. "Uh, we're in Japan."

"Yeah, it's going to take a while, but we'll make it if we believe!"

"If we're in Japan, then why are we speaking in English?" Goddamn you Malik, you moro-

"..."

Why _are _we speaking English?

"Well, we hafta start heading out ladies!" Mai winks. "Here's your present, Babe." Shuzika hands Jou a small rectangular box with an excessively red bow.

"Aw Mai, Shiz, you really didn't have to get me anything." He looks down and literally abuses the wrapping paper. "Lipstick? I swear to God Mai, if you're in on this cross-dressing thing too, I'll never loan you another one of my tops again."

She laughs in a more sinister way than I've ever seen before. "Oh no, this is for _me_." His sister smiles and giggles. I'm suddenly very scared for my life.

Mai applies the blazing red lipstick and pulls Jounouchi forward and OH MY GOD.

"And _that _was for you." She smirks. "Come on Shizuka, we got a way to go if we're getting to America by tomorrow. See ya!" And then she leaves.

"Bye guys!"

"Later!"

"I believe that's the most testosterone we've had here all night."

"Oh Bakura, please."

"Hahahaha! Yeah. Hey Kaiba! Kaiba? Kaiba, you all right there?"

"I have to go." I do. I just... I have to get the hell out of there. Just get up and start walking; just out of here.

"Hey Kaiba! You're-! ...You're going the wrong way."

-x-

How could I have been so _stupid?_ He would never, EVER! He... and Mai... and, doesn't even have a ship name? How could I have been so blind? I pick on him every chance I get, and so he _loves _me now? How moronic. What am I? Five? I'm such an idiot. I should never have come to this ridiculous party/thing.

"Kaiba, the wind's ruining your hair."

"Who? Hm."

"Hey, did it just get really cold and aloof out here or is it just me?" He smiles and fails miserably. "So uh, yeah, when'd you figure out that door led to the balcony?"

I stare. "As soon as I walked out it."

"That's cool."

"Listen, Mutt, your attempts at small talk are both futile and annoying; you should just-"

"What's the score?"

"What?"

"You know what I'm talking about Kaiba; don't play coy. I know you have this psychotic game that we're always playing whether I'm aware of it or not, so the least you can do is tell me the score."

"Well..." I can't believe it; in my melodramatic haste I seem to have forgotten our point system.

"Well what?" He gets in my face. " 'Cause if I'm not winning now, I don't know where to go from here."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, the thing with Mai-- I kind of knew about it. her warped mind thought it would be a great idea to find out if you have the hots for me. See, she thinks you want me doggy style or something... in fact, everyone does and this was the most involved Punk or prank or crank or whatever they could thing of and... uh. Kaiba? What are you doing?"

"Shut the hell up." So this is the part of the fic where you the reader expect me to kiss him passionately, where I taste like cinnamon and he tastes like honey straight off the bee's ass and then we have sex wherever we're standing as the other characters blur away into obscurity because no one cares once the anal starts up.

Well, you'd be kind of right. I did kiss him; I won't lie. But it was the softest and clumsiest kiss I think there ever was. That's what happens when you try to shut up a puppy-- slobber everywhere. Hahaha, I bet you're grossed out now.

But more importantly, I'm touching the most delicate lips right now, with my own no less. And his tongue is awkwardly searching for mine and I'm doing all I can to just nip at him as gently as he stands before me because I think he's shaking a little, and maybe, so am I.

"He hasn't come back yet; maybe he's dead already or- HOLY SHIT." We literally pounce apart. "I, uh," Yami looks straight down with his eyelids so far back that it must hurt. "I hope I didn't interrupt anything." He begins smirking, "I'll just be leaving now," and he prances away. "Guys! Guess what!"

I look back at my puppy. Yeah, that's right: MY PUPPY. He's blushing so elegantly and refuses to meet my gaze. He shoves his hand into his apron pocket. I look for Yami, trying to evaluate the oncoming disaster; maybe I could minimize it somehow? A word here and a refute there should do enough, I think.

"Hey Seto." I turn around to acquaint myself with a very bold and sly stare. He pulls his right hand out of his pocket. "Wanna go to Kaiba Land?"

-x-

So that's about it, all that really happened. But incase any of you perverts out there were wondering, Mokuba was right: the pool table? _Great _idea.

-x-_Owari_-x-

VT: Holy crap it's finished! It took, like, what? Two years? I honestly think that's about the right amount of time. **blank look** I want to thank everyone for reading this-- whether your reviewed or not; I sincerely appreciate it! Also, thanks to the people that wrote "Banana Pudding in their review; I won thirty dollars 'cause of you guys! **blows kiss** So the least I can do is try to write replies to all that want them!

VERY SPECIAL THANKS TO: Sekhamet, Ryou VeRua, anne-rice-fan, EmD. DeathAngel123, BoxerBitch, Talk It Out, Teldra, Starr and her Yami Brooke, mistskeeper, Cya, Hikari's-dark-side-08 (Muraii too!), Maverick Soldier, Shadow over Egypt, Elusia, Kujiku Tamashii, silver-dagger-113, pisces071, The Phantom Writer, Sakusha Saelbu, Star, mayu-kkg, BloodMistress, animegurl088, Luni Sedai, ReMeDy10, athena, Authoress formally knownas Liz, and of course Selene. THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH! I CAN'T DESCRIBE HOW GRATEFUL I AM! 

REPLIES:

Wannaseemymoon- Thank you very much! Kaiba's a sarcastic bitch no matter how you look at it. 8D Jounouchi's to blame for everything! Haha. Yeah, Honda gets called everything in the book-- I bet you already noticed that. :3 I'm so glad you like this story, and I hope I didn't disappoint!

mandapandabug- I hope this chapter cleared some things up; I could see why you're confused (I'm really sorry about that; I should have specified), but there you go! Enjoy.

Killian- We ALL want sexy hamsters; it's one of the many beauties of life. 8D

Saphire Dragon- You ARE persuasive... and amazing! You have as much power over Jou as Kaiba!

Kaiba: **dirty look**

Ha, don't let that stop you and your daring ways! Thanks for the wonderful review!

Inverse-chan- Kaiba will never figure out the Yami/Hikari thing. Poor bastard indeed.

Amarin Rose- I must say that it was amazing getting such a lovely review from you! I have read many of your fics, and I am most definitely a fan! It was an honor, and I'm very delighted to see that you are enjoying the fic. Look at me being all serious. 8D All for you, yoh.

Misori Chan- I'm so happy you like it so far! Nah, Baku and Ryou aren't brothers (I don't think... kinky), but that's all poor Seto's mind could come up with to explain the phenomenon. Silly Kaiba! Hikaris are for Yamis! I LOVE YOU!

Millenium- I imagine Mokuba's thirteen or so. Right on the cusp of manhood. **sigh** They grow up so fast.

DHASN- God, I love you.


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